Chapter 16
I finally figured out what’s wrong with me. You know, like why I always get in trouble and why God don’t help me and why Santa Claus don’t like me. It’s because something is wrong inside of me. Something that bein’ nice and quiet and brushin’ my hair five hundred times a day just ain’t gonna fix.
I figured it out by lookin’ at my cousin Billy. You remember, the real mean one I told you about. I told you how he always does bad things but he never gets smacked around. And even though he does bad things Santa still brings him every single thing he wants. So, I figured that it must be that even though he does bad things, he must be good on the inside. And since I’m the opposite of him because I know for a fact that I ain’t no where near as mean as that boy is, God still ignores me and Santa Claus acts like he don’t even know me, so it has to be that I am bad on the inside.
I figure I was just born like that so there ain’t nothing I can do to change it. I tried so hard but nothing ever worked. It has to be true because Mama’s are supposed to love their kids, right? Just like all those Mother’s Day cards say. But since Mama hates me so much, it has to be that something is horribly wrong inside me.
At least now I don’t gotta waste all my time tryin’ and prayin’. I’m not no where near as stupid as I used to be. I’m a tough girl now because I know the truth. I know that no matter how good I behave myself, Mama is still gonna hit me because I’m bad to the bone on the inside. A waste of human flesh, Mama says.
So I can do whatever I want to now. I can even say bad words because God don’t care anyways. He hates me, too. Mama says that everything changes and that’s just the way life is.
My Jason came home and when he did we moved away from Clover. I don’t know for sure why we moved. I think Aint Lyn got mad at Mama because she whipped one of her kids. Other people don’t pull their kids clothes off and hit ‘em because I guess other peoples kids ain’t bad like us. Sometimes I do wonder why God made us if He hates us so bad.
Anyways, Aint Ruby said she could get my Mama a job as a waitress in the restaurant where she works. Mama said she really thinks she would like bein’ a waitress because you get to meet a lot of people and work in a nice place that has windows. So we put all our stuff in some trash bags and moved hours away to Aint Ruby’s apartment.
I sure do miss Aint Lyn though. She was so nice to me. And I miss my Uncle Ben, too. I guess it’s good that we left though because sooner or later he would have realized that I’m not special like he thinks. I don’t wanna be around when that happens. It would break my heart wide open to see him holdin’ Billy’s hand and walkin’ down the road to his mama’s grave.
Uncle Ben always came to our house on Christmas day to see what Santa brought to us. But he also went to the homes of my cousins, too. He’s a real smart man and sooner or later he would have figured it out. I couldn’t stand for him to look at me and know.
Anyways, Aint Ruby lives in a one bedroom apartment so it was pretty cramped when we all moved in. Mama slept on the couch and Jason and Phil made a pallet on the floor. I got to sleep in the bed with Aint Ruby. I’m lucky she don’t got no husband else I’d be piled up with Jason and Phil, fightin’ over the covers on the floor.
Aint Ruby was married once a long time ago to a man named Bruce Dean. Mama said it didn’t last very long and that’s why she don’t go no kids of her own.
Her apartment is so nice. She’s got a ton of records and we listen to ‘em all the time. Me, Mama, and Aint Ruby are all crazy about Elvis so when she puts on Hunka Hunka Burning Love, I dance ‘til my stomach gets sore.
Promise me you won’t tell nobody because I don’t wanna hurt Mama’s feelin’s, but sometimes I wish Aint Ruby was my Mama. She’s so nice to me and she hugs on me a lot. I love hugs. And she’s happy most all of the time. I love happy, too.
I think she has a boyfriend because she talks on the phone in a soft whispery voice and she gets all smiley like she’s gettin’ her picture made. She’s pretty with hair that puffs all around her shoulders like brown cotton candy.
I don’t know for sure but I think that maybe she does all that boy girl mushy stuff because she has these two little glass frogs on the table in the livin’ room and one day I was playin’ with ‘em and when I turned ‘em over I saw they had boy and girl parts underneath. That nastied me out so I don’t play with ‘em anymore.
I know that boys and girls kiss with their mouths open and they have to lay down to do it but I’m not sure why they have to take their clothes off if they’re not gettin’ a whippin’. Mama said she will tell me next year when I get to be nine.
Jason said they take off their clothes to make babies not to get a whippin’ stupid, but I told him he’s stupider than me because at least I do go to my school. He smacked me in the head hard and I hid in the bathroom and cried.
Jason thinks he knows everything in the whole world now that he’s some big teenager. He’s still the same size as me! He wants Mama to buy him some man shoes that have a real thick bottom so all the girls will think he’s a real man.
Mama said she got me out from under a cabbage patch. She said that’s where babies grow and wait to big picked out by their mamas. But I ain’t no where near as stupid as she says I am because I am a real good listener and I heard a woman at church talkin’ about the baby in her belly. Plus, I know that if Mama could’ve had a choice about pickin’ me out then she wouldn’t have because she is forever sayin’ how worthless I am and I know that nobody would pick out something worthless if they had a choice.
If you have worthless stuff you take it to the trash dump or have a yard sale because Mama says one mans junk is another mans treasure. I keep hopin’ that’s true because someday I would like to marry a man so I can have a baby in my stomach. I’m gonna rub it and love it before it even gets born just so it won’t feel born wrong. And I’m gonna name her Rhonda, and call her Rhonda who’s meant to be Rhonda. That’s good, don’t you think. That way she will know that she is right and not wrong.
I like to practice in the bathroom. I smile my best sweet smile that you can hear in my voice and say, Rhonda who’s meant to be Rhonda come eat supper honey. Rhonda who’s supposed to be Rhonda, come let mama give you a great big hug my precious adorable baby.
I think it would be good to have my own baby because then she will love me. Mama says I can’t have no baby ‘til I’m eighteen and married. Jason says nobody is gonna wanna be my husband. He said my hair is the kind that belongs on a horses butt and nobody would even wanna be my boyfriend. And then he laughed. I’m beginning to think Mama should get rid of him again.
My Mama hasn’t had a boyfriend in a long time. Not since we lived with Aint Lyn and Mama dated my Uncle Henry’s brother, John. Yep, that’s the nasty one who had that magazine filled with pictures of men layin’ on top of women. The nasty thing that made my mean cousin Billy go crazy and wanna lay on top of me! I feel sick just thinkin’ back on it.
Mama and him didn’t date for long though because it made my Mama and Aint Nadine argue a lot. Mama said that Aint Nadine was just scared that he would marry Mama and then she would be related to us two ways when just one was bad enough.
Mama seems to like workin’ in the restaurant. She smiles more than she used to and when Aint Ruby talks to her about gettin’ a boyfriend she just grins like crazy. I hope she finds one and then maybe she’ll be happy all the time. I wouldn’t mind if she married somebody who was nice to us.
Bein’ at Aint Ruby’s is good because she tries to keep Mama from hittin’ on us. Mama slapped me across my face the other day and Aint Ruby told her that it’s wrong to smack a kid in the face. She said that’s what God gave a kid a butt for. Mama started talkin’ something about sparin’ a rod and spoilin’ a child. Aint Ruby looked at me kinda sad like, but she didn’t say nothing else to Mama. I know Aint Ruby loves me, but she loves her sister way more.
Mama says we can’t live here for very long because Aint Ruby needs her space all to herself. I don’t know why in the world she needs all this space just for her because she ain’t got no kids.
Anyways, my Bigmama and Bigdaddy have an extra house next door to theirs that they own. Somebody is livin’ in it right now but Mama says that as soon as they move out we are gonna move in. It’s only like twenty minutes away so Mama will still be close enough to work.
I am gettin’ all excited because it’s the first time we are gonna live in a house all by ourselves. Mama says we have to fix it up some and then get moved in quick before school starts back.
I guess that part scares me a little bit. I hope the kids here are nice. I hate not knowin’ anybody. Aint Ruby said she’s gonna buy us some new school clothes so we can look extra sharp for our new start. Mama told her that she don’t have to and I wanted to tell her to be quiet and let her. Anything to keep from wearin’ those same too short jeans I wore last year. I know I grew this summer so they’d probably be shorts by now anyways.
Aint Ruby told her that she wants to do it and that since she don’t have no kids of her own, she might as well spoil us a little bit. I blew out my breath and gave her a big thankful smile.
