Chapter 10
Mama gave our Jason away. Me and Phil got off the school bus, walked up in the house, got some Kool-aid and sat down on the floor to watch television. Phil kept gettin’ up and goin’ and lookin’ out the front door. Mama was sittin’ on the couch foldin’ clothes when he asked her when Jason was comin’ home. Mama stood up with a stack of clothes in her arms, looked at Phil and said, he ain’t comin’ home because he don’t live here no more. Then she walked into the bedroom and Phil jumped up to follow her.
What do you mean he don’t live here no more? Phil asked, his voice beginnnin’ to shake.
Just what I said, Mama said back. He don’t live here no more because I gave him to your cousin Wes.
Why? Was the only word that squeaked out of me because I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I watched her pull open a door and cram some clothes inside. My mind was flyin’ fast. Wes? Why Wes? He’s not even a big person. He’s still in high school. Thoughts swirled around my broken brain and I couldn’t make sense out of nothing.
Because I can’t deal with him no more! Mama screamed, slammin’ the dresser drawer and turnin’ to glare at me. He didn’t go to school again today! The Principal called and got me off my job to ask me where my son was. God knows I have to work to put food in your mouths so I can’t keep goin’ through this! How was I supposed to tell the man that I have no idea in ‘H’ ‘E’ double ‘L’ where my son is? I put him on the school bus but if he don’t end up there then that’s not my fault! God knows I try!
I heard cryin’ and looked over to where Phil lay on him and Jason’s bed. Well, not Jason’s anymore.
Mama started walkin’ around the room, pickin’ stuff up off the floor and throwin’ it on our bed. Then she sat down over on the bed beside Phil. He kept on cryin’ and she started back screamin’. Neither one of ‘em even looked at each other.
I came on home after I got off the phone with the Principal, Mama said. Not that I can afford to lose a days pay, but what choice did I have! And here he was, piled up on the couch watchin’ television like he ain’t got a care in the world! I asked him why he didn’t go to school and he looked me right in my eyes and had the nerve to lie right to my face! He was tryin’ to come off all innocent like, tryin’ to tell me that he did go to school!
The sound of her voice was gettin’ all smart-alecky like when she’s makin’ fun of one of us so I started makin’ my breathin’ real slow and quiet. She got up off the bed and began to walk back and forth, real fast across the floor. And then it was like her madness just made her explode and she started hollerin’ so loud and hard.
I told him he was a liar and that was one thing I would not tolerate from any sorry kid of mine! So I grabbed him by the arm and dragged his little lyin’ a– into this room and I told him to take his belt off and give it to me! And he said no…to me! Like he had done grown up bigger than me! I told him he could either take it off himself or I would take it off for him, but either way it was comin’ off. Oh, he took it off real quick then!
Phil wiggled over on the bed, turnin’ to glare at Mama. She was goin’ back and forth, back and forth so she didn’t even notice him.
I made him pull his clothes off and lay across that bed and I burned his naked a– up good! I told him I will not be lied to! She screamed. Then you wanna know what that little smart a– said! He said, I didn’t lie to you Mama, she said in a sing song voice tryin’ to sound like Jason when he’s cryin’. I did go to school. It’s just that I didn’t stay there. I got off the bus, walked in the front door and walked out the back so you see Mama I didn’t tell you no lie.
I told him if he wanted to be smart then I would show him smart, so I went in there, picked up the phone and called your Aint Dolores and Uncle Bill. I told ‘em what was goin’ on and we came up with a solution. Jason now lives up there with your cousin Wes. I couldn’t get him to go to school so maybe Wes can.
Before I realized it my brain went and opened my mouth and I asked, how is Wes gonna make him go? He’s not even a big person.
I don’t know!” She snapped. All I know is that I give up! God knows that I have done my absolute best with you kids! And it’s not like I have any help either! Do you think anybody gives a D-word about me?
Phil lay flat on his back, starin’ up at the stains on the ceilin’. I could see tears runnin’ down the side of his face. He asked Mama if he could call Daddy and my heart whispered, uh oh.
Mama whirled around fast to face him, her eyes screamin’ to match her mouth. And what the ‘H’ ‘E’ double ‘L’ do you think your daddy’s gonna do, huh? Do you think your daddy gives a
d— about you? That’s why he don’t send child support, because he gives a d—, right? I don’t see him around here when I’m the one that has to feed you! I’m the one that has to bust my
a– everyday just to put clothes on your back! I don’t see your d— daddy doin’ that! No, your daddy’s probably off somewhere livin’ the good life because he ain’t gotta worry about puttin’ up with you! I DO EVERYTHING! So go call your daddy if you want to. If what I do around here ain’t good enough for you then call your d— daddy!
Tears began to fall over her face like a flood. Wipin’ the wetness on the sleeve of her shirt, she said, God knows I have done my absolute best but if it ain’t good enough for y’all then pardon me for bein’ human. Then she breathed out like she was so tired and coverin’ her face with her hands, her whole body shook as she cried.
Phil rose up on the bed. Please don’t cry Mama. I’m sorry, okay, he whispered across the room to her.
Yeah Mama, don’t cry, I whispered too, reachin’ my hand out and layin’ it on her arm but she smacked it away sayin, I don’t know why I even bother. Maybe y’all would all be better off without me. I could try to find somebody to take all three of you.
My heart was thumpin’ like crazy and my eyes flew to lock with Phil’s. Phil got up and went over to Mama. Don’t say that Mama, please don’t say that, we begged.
Why not? she cried. I can’t seem to please nobody around here anyways. Y’all don’t listen to a word I say! I tell you to mind me and you don’t! You’re just a bunch of selfish brats and I’m sick of you all! You might think its hard livin’ with me but just see how hard it is when I give you to the State and they put you in a home with strangers who don’t give a d— about you! You’ll see what hard is then!
Phil and me was both cryin’ and we told her that we love her more than anybody in the whole wide world and we promised we’d be better forever and ever. Phil told her he was sorry he made her cry and he’d changed his mind about callin’ daddy.
That night as we lay in our blue colored room, Phil whispered across the empty space where Jason used to lay beside him, askin’ Mama when she would let Jason come home.
When he learns his lesson, she said, and rolled over and went to sleep.
Closin’ my eyes I prayed, Dear God, it’s me Wanda who’s supposed to be Rhonda. Please please please bring Jason home to us and help us be good so we don’t make Mama get rid of us. And bless everybody in the whole world. Amen.
Openin’ my eyes I stared out through the space the curtain left at the window. Lookin’ up at the dark sky filled with tiny dots of light shimmerin’ a long way off made me wish that God didn’t’ live so far away.
