Chapter 8
Did I tell you that I one time found a baby bird out in the backyard? It was sittin’ on the grass under the apple trees flappin’ it’s little wings but not goin’ anywhere. It was so sad lookin’. I ran up in the house and Aint Lyn gave me a shoe box to put it in because I told her I was gonna help it learn how to fly.
At first I was kinda scared to get close to it because I remembered those crazy ducks tryin’ to eat me up and I didn’t want no mama bird swoopin’ down and peckin’ my brains out. I sat as close as I could get brave enough to sit and ever once in a while I would look up and all around and then scoot up a little bit closer. It took me a while but I was finally sittin’ right up in front of the pitiful little thing.
It was so tiny and kinda funny lookin’ with real thin fuzz on it and its eyes scrunched up real tight. It would open its little mouth like it was tryin’ to cry or scream but no sound would come out. I barely touched it with my little pinky finger and it’s mouth flew open so fast and it started flappin’ it’s little wings like crazy and I thought my heart was gonna attack me right then and there.
I put my head back, lookin’ up through the shadiness of the trees. The leaves was so thick it was hard to see where one ends and another one starts. There was one near the middle that didn’t have no leaves at all, only dried up branches and twigs. Aint Lyn said it’s gonna fall over soon because it’s dead. I don’t think so, though. It looks like all the alive trees know that it needs help and they’ve leaned in closer to hold it up.
My eyes was searchin’ high and low for a nest but the branches was wavin’ and my head was gettin’ dizzy when I looked up for too long so I looked back at the baby layin’ still like a dead baby bird on the ground. I knew if it could just fly then it would be okay.
I finally got to feelin’ plumb sick and tired of bein’ scared all the time. I figured I’m bigger than some dumb ol’ mama bird that let her baby fall outta the nest anyways so I reached out real fast, scooped baby up and laid her down real gentle inside the box. She went crazy for a minute and I felt so proud because I knew she was alive, but then she went right back to layin’ there in that box like she was dead. It made me sad that no sound came outta her. I know she was sad, too. It’s sad and scary when nobody hears you.
I didn’t have no idea how you teach a bird to fly so I walked around under the trees, mad and kickin’ the little apples that covered the ground. We’re not supposed to eat ‘em because they’re green ones that never turn red. I do it anyways though and I always end up with diarrhea. Mama says you would think I would learn, but I told you how my brain is.
Thinkin’ about eatin’ is what made me realize that baby might be hungry so I ran up in the house, grabbed a spoon off the kitchen table and ran back outside to dig in the ground for some worms. Not just any ol’ worms either. I wanted big fat juicy worms for my little baby.
Diggin’ like crazy, I started thinkin’ I could feed me a bird just as good as its mama could. I could find it some worms every day and give it some milk, too. But I wasn’t even sure if baby birds drink milk because I ain’t never seen a mama bird with breasts.
My Bigmama’s cow has some. She let me milk it once and believe me, it was not a happy thing. It was nasty feelin’ and it made me plumb sick on my tummy. Now I don’t never drink any milk that I know came from a cow. I like mine straight outta the carton at school. Chocolate it they haven’t already run out.
After I grossed out with the cow Bigmama let me feed her chickens but that didn’t work out very good because the crazy animals kept runnin’ at me and I run screamin’ up inside the house.
One time when I was at her house a goat chased after me and I jumped on top of my Bigdaddy’s car and you wanna know what that crazy goat did? It jumped right up behind me! I ran shoutin’ all the way across Bigmama’s yard and plumb up into the house. Animals don’t like me at all.
I felt like that little bird would be different, though. I was gonna feed her, love her and teach her to fly and then when she grew up she could fly around and land on my shoulder. I was even gonna learn how to whistle just so I could call to her from anywhere.
I thought it would be real cute if she could wear tiny clothes, like a dress and a hat. Like that monkey that Ellie Mae has on that television show The Beverly Hillbillies. Oh how I would love to have me a monkey like that! With my luck though, it would probably scoop my eyeballs out and eat ‘em while I’m sleepin’. Plus, they eat way more than birds and Mama already has enough mouths to feed. Lucky for me worms are free because they don’t cost nothing in my own yard.
I found one big fat wiggly worm. I figured the wiggly part was good because that meant it was fresh. I took it over to the baby and held it close to her baby bird mouth. When it finally opened I tried to stick it in but she started back to flappin’ and shakin’ like crazy so I just held it there, thinkin’ if she smelled herself a good juicy worm she would open right up and take a bite. She wouldn’t, though. Not even one little tiny bite. Figurin’ baby birds only drink milk like baby people; I picked up the box and walked real slow up through the yard to the house.
We don’t never have no straws in the kitchen so I put some milk on the end of my finger and let it drop down in baby’s mouth. I had to do it just right because sometimes she would close her mouth right as the drop fell and she was gettin’ all sticky wet. Since I didn’t want her catchin’ no cold I got a wash rag outta the cabinet and put it over her little body.
Since Jason and Phil was both off somewhere playin’ their stupid boy games it was safe for me to take baby in the bedroom. If Phil had been home I know he’d wanna hold her all the time and he’d probably end up squishin’ her little baby head off. Not on purpose of course, Phil is just rougher than he knows.
One time Mama got another car and when she came home she blew the horn and we all went runnin’ outside. She was smilin’ so big when she told us to get in and we would go for a ride. Phil was fastest on that day so he got the front seat and me and Jason was stuck in the back. It was a pretty sparkly blue car and Mama was so happy it looked like she had got some sparkly new eyeballs to match.
We headed up the road and when we came to the stop sign I was all of a sudden slammed into the back of Mama’s seat. I heard Phil cryin’ and I looked up at the front and saw a big crack in the windshield. Mama turned off the car. Phil was holdin’ his forehead and cryin’ and I was holdin’ my breath because it looked like the light in her eyes had burned out and I thought for sure she would start screamin’. She kept sayin’, are you okay, real fast and nervous like with her eyes goin’ from the front seat to the back seat. Phil was cryin’ so hard and holdin’ his head so Mama kept askin’ if he was okay and he kept noddin’ his head up and down so Mama was like, then what are you cryin’ for? He told her he didn’t wanna get no whippin’. Mama hugged him and told him that he wasn’t gettin’ no whippin’, then she turned the car around and we went back home to Aint’ Lyn’s house. Mama said Phil is an accident just waitin’ to happen and that’s why I didn’t want him near my baby bird.
I laid across the bed and rubbed on the baby with my little pinky finger but she went all crazy flappin’ again so I gave up and just lay there watchin’ her and talkin’ to her. Please don’t cry little baby, I said, blowin’ soft on her to dry her hair. She opened her mouth and still no sound came out so I said okay, cry if that’s what your baby eyes wanna do, mine cry all the time, too. It’s okay, I won’t punish you, I promise. She got real still and I kept blowin’ on her because I thought she liked it.
I had to go to the bathroom so I left her on the bed to take a nap where it was nice and quiet. Mama wasn’t home and Aint Lyn was outside hangin’ clothes on the line.
Her kids was at their other families house seein’ their daddy. They are so lucky they get to see him. All I’ve ever seen of mine is a picture that Mama keeps in the livin’ room. I don’t never touch it, though. One time Phil did that and he got in major big trouble.
He was lookin’ at the picture of Daddy when he decided to take it outta the frame to see if there was any words written on the back. Mama does that sometimes when she’s happy. On one of my baby pictures there’s the word, adorable. Phil forgot to put it back in the frame when he was finished lookin’ at it and that’s why he got in trouble.
Mama came home, sat down in her chair by the telephone and pulled off her shoes. She told Jason to go get her a glass of tea and then she lit up a cigarette.
I was sittin’ on the floor playin’ with my baby doll. Phil was stretched out on the couch watchin’ television when Mama looked over at the table and saw the empty picture frame.
She screamed, I’m gonna ask this once and I better hear the truth or I’m gonna beat the ‘H’ ‘E’ double ‘L’ out of each and every one of you! Who took that picture out of the frame? Her eyes was glarin’ and I began to feel that shaky feelin’ inside me.
Just then Jason walked out of the kitchen with Mama’s tea and Phil jumped up and went runnin’ for the front door. Mama leaped outta her chair to grab for him but she tripped over me where I was sittin’ on the floor.
The door slammed behind Phil. Mama got up off the floor, breathin’ like she was the one who had been runnin’. I made my eyes keep starin’ at the floor, but then she yelled at me to shut up cryin’ and to stand up when she was talkin’ to me so I got up off the floor to stand in front of her. She told me to look at her and I did but then she said that she was sick to death of seein’ my sorry lookin’ face and she brought her hand down hard across my face and I cried even more. Her chest was goin’ up and down really fast when she said, now you have a reason to cry!
She turned to Jason, took her glass of iced tea out of his hand and told him to go look for Phil and not to come home ‘til he found him because if he did she would beat the you know what out of him, too. Jason was headed for the door when she sat down and picked up her cigarette from the ashtray on the arm of her chair.
Why God gave me the most worthless kids in the world, I’ll never know, she said, smoke hissin’ outta her mouth like an angry snake.
The door shut behind Jason and I stood there in front of her, head down, beggin’ God to please make my eyes stop cryin’ when suddenly Mama screamed out at me, you make me sick, you know that! You’re a stupid little crybaby and I get sick from just lookin’ at your stupid ugly face! Get outta here! Go! Now!
Some kinda feelin’ that felt like something too heavy to carry filled up my body and I walked into the bedroom, climbed on our bed and curled up real tight in a teeny tiny ball and prayed, Dear God it’s me, Wanda who’s supposed to be Rhonda. Please please please help me stop bein’ stupid ugly and worthless because I don’t know how to stop it by myself. Amen.
I woke up when I heard Phil sayin, I’m sorry Mama, I promise I won’t do it again, and then he was screamin’ so hard. I sat up forcin’ myself to breathe. You see, sometimes when they ran they didn’t get hit because by the time they came home Mama wasn’t mad at ‘em anymore. Sometimes though, she was even madder.
Phil kept screamin’ and cryin’ so I laid back down with my hands over my ears and cried, too. The next day he had candy stripes all up and down his legs and I closed my eyes real tight to keep the cryin’ inside.
I don’t never ever touch my daddy’s picture. I think Mama must miss him real bad and I wish he had never gone away. Sometimes when she is upset she says that maybe she will just go away, too. She says we drive her crazy because we are just bad kids. She is always sayin’ that she don’t understand why God gave her such stupid ugly worthless kids and it makes me so sad when she says that so I pray to God and ask Him to take me away so Mama can be happy.
Some days I pretend like I’m invisible. If Mama’s in one room then I go stay in another one. I would do anything to make my Mama stop cryin’.
