Chapter 3
We live in a house that looks just like all the other ones on our street. Only ours is a different color is all. Mama says they’re called mill houses. Maybe it’s because my Mama and Aint Lyn both work in a mill.
We live in the town of Clover. You wanna know why it’s called that? Okay, I learned this at my school. Once upon a time a train passed through my town and the people drivin’ stopped to take a rest. They climbed off the train and there was nothing but fields of clover as far as their eyes could see, so they named this place Clover.
I wish somebody would let me name a place because you just know I would name it Rhonda. Anyways, in the Summer I always try to find a four leaf clover so I can start bein’ a lucky girl.
We have one stop light that’s right in the middle of our town. One time when I was at the gas station buyin’ some candy I heard a man say that we should just hang a wreath on that stop light. I think that would make a real pretty decoration, don’t you?
Did I tell you already that our room is blue? I like blue because it’s the color of the sky, but yellow is my most favorite color of all and not just because it’s the color of the sun, but it’s also the color of happiness.
My teacher has brown hair just like Mama, but she smiles at me all the time. She’s so nice to me. One time I forgot to take my homework to school and she told us that when we came back inside from recess we would go over our spellin’ words. That’s when I remembered I had forgotten mine at home. I wanted to walk right straight up to her and tell her but I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want her to get mad and not like me no more.
Out on the playground I was so worried I didn’t feel much like playin’ so I just sat in the grass by myself. My tummy was already hurtin’ and my head got to achin’ too because I was thinkin’ so hard about what I was gonna say when we got back inside. I had almost made up my mind to tell her that my house had burned down but then I looked up and there she stood, right in front of me.
She asked me why I wasn’t playin’ and I told her I didn’t feel so good. She sat down beside me and asked if something was botherin’ me. I opened my mouth to tell her my house had burned down, but I just couldn’t make myself tell her a lie. She looked me right in my face and she was really listenin’ for me to say something. Then she smiled at me and I said, I’m really sorry because I left my spellin’ words at home but I promise I’ll be better next time. Then, and this is so amazin’! She put her arm around me and said that was fine. That everybody forgets things! Even her! I couldn’t believe she wasn’t mad! She didn’t even yell at me and my tummy ache went away just like magic.
I can’t wait for me to grow up. Big people do tell lies and nobody even smacks ‘em for it. I try real hard not to ever lie to Mama. She said she can always tell when her kids are lyin’ so we better not do it or she will ring our jaws good. She is forever sayin’ there are two things she did not raise, a thief or a liar!
So, I definitely never ever steal anything, and I try real hard not to lie, at least not to Mama. But you see, sometimes I do have to tell some lies, just so I can keep from gettin’ hurt. I think God should understand that, I mean surely He wouldn’t want me to get hurt because the Bible says that He loves everybody and I am part of everybody, right?
Anyways, there is only one person in this whole wide world who scares me more than Mama when I’ve done something to make her mad and that is my cousin Billy. He’s only one year bigger than me, but he’s like one hundred years meaner.
Both me and Phil are scared of him because he always does bad things and then he blames it on his own little brother or on me or Phil. We never tell anybody, though. His mama and daddy never do anything but fuss a little bit anyways, but if Billy gets mad at you he will really hurt you.
One time we was playin’ in the big ol’ doghouse in their backyard and Billy told me that he had seen men layin’ on top of women in his Uncle John’s magazine so he wanted me to pull off all my clothes and let him lay on top of me. When I told him I didn’t want to he pushed me over and tried to get on top of me anyways. I was shovin’ at him when he put his hands around my neck, squeezin’ real tight, and I couldn’t get no breath in and then I was gettin’ real scared because all I could see was black with little tiny sparks, and then his mama was yellin’ that it was time for me to go home so he let me go, climbed outta the doghouse and went up in his house. Just like that! It took me a minute to get enough air in me to breathe and I was still shakin’ like crazy when I climbed outside and walked home.
At church the Preacher said that you shouldn’t hate nobody but sometimes it’s real hard. He said that some people are just filled with the devil and I think that’s what’s wrong with my cousin Billy.
So you see how sometimes I have to lie. Not because I wanna be bad. I actually wanna be good so bad I can’t stand it. Just sometimes I have to tell a lie. Like when I said it was the mop bucket.
I pray to God everyday. I always ask Him to help me be good. I don’t wanna make Mama mad all the time. I hate to see her cryin’ because she’s so scared and that makes me scared.
I’m not sure that God even hears little people so I’m gonna try harder than ever to be good and maybe He will look down from Heaven and see me. I’m gonna pick up all my stuff and not cry so much when Mama screams because she hates it when I cry. I keep tellin’ my eyes to stop it but they just keep right on cryin’ and she goes right on gettin’ madder and madder and then her breathin’ just goes on gettin’ faster and faster.
I think somethings wrong with my eyes just like somethings wrong with my brain because they won’t dry up when I tell ‘em to. My legs won’t run, my eyes keep leakin’ and my brain acts like it’s got a mouth of its own. Nothing about me is right. Sometimes it seems like my body won’t listen to me because it wants to get me in trouble.
I know I just have to try harder so I’m gonna start brushin’ my hair five hundred and twenty times a day, use soap when I wash and keep my fingers away from my nose. I’m gonna be all the way perfect then Mama will be happy and smile a lot, God will hear me, and Santa Claus will bring me exactly what I ask for.
Last Christmas when Mama took us to sit up on his lap he asked me if I had been a good girl and I went ahead and told him yeah, even though I wasn’t real sure. I looked over at Mama to see if she heard me but she didn’t say nothing or reach out to ring my jaws good, so I figured I was okay.
I just couldn’t help myself you see because I had been waitin’ all year for Santa to bring me the most amazin’ doll in the world. A Baby Alive! She eats, drinks, pees and poops just like a real live baby. I got up off Santa’s lap feelin’ so excited I could hardly wait for Christmas mornin’.
Wakin’ up before anybody else that day I crawled over Mama and sneaked in the livin’ room to see if Santa Claus had done come. I was real careful to not make any noise and wake up the other kids because I wanted some special time that was all for me. You see, when you live in a house with four other kids your own special time don’t come a knockin’ everyday so you gotta grab it when you can.
Anyways, my eyeballs almost popped clean outta my head when I saw the lights twinklin’ on the presents all spread out under the tree. And then there, right in front of me, lay the baby I had been prayin’ for. I fell down on my knees, snatched her up and right then and there I thanked God for Santa Claus.
I played with her for a little while, ‘til I got to feelin’ still sorta sleepy. I figured that since everybody else was still sleepin’ I would go back to bed my own self, sleep some more, and then get up when they all did. I laid my baby back in her space under the tree and went and crawled back into the bed beside Mama. I’m quite sure I was smilin’ as I floated off to sleep, dreamin’ all about poop filled diapers.
I don’t know how long I slept but I came awake real quick when I heard Jason and Phil gettin’ up outta their bed. We all went runnin’ into the livin’ room and I stood back smilin’ as I watched them tearin’ into their toys.
I walked over to where I had put my baby, and still smilin’ all happy like, I bent down under the tree to pick her up but she wasn’t there. I looked all around under the tree, pushin’ stuff outta the way but I couldn’t find her anywhere.
Mama came outta the bedroom and I asked her what had happened to my Baby Alive. She asked me what I was talkin’ about and I looked over to where Jason and Phil sat, playin’ with their toys. I was thinkin’ about how I would have to smack one of ‘em if they had messed with my baby. They did that before!
One time my gone away daddy sent me a baby in the mailbox and my crazy brothers took a knife and cut her open so they could see what made her pee. It made me worry for a long time, thinkin’ they might wanna see what makes me pee.
Anyways, I was givin’ ‘em a big mean eyed look when I told Mama about how my Baby Alive was gone. Santa brought it to me and now it’s gone. She was right there, I pointed, and now I can’t find her anywhere!
I was figurin’ I’d start poundin’ on Phil first, since he’s smaller than me, and then the next thing I knew, Mama was breathin’ fast and callin’ me an ungrateful brat. She said that Santa didn’t bring me a Baby Alive. She said that Santa can’t do every D-thing, and then she started cryin’.
Aint Lyn came outta her bedroom and asked Mama what was wrong. Mama told her that she couldn’t get me a Baby Alive, so I was bein’ as hateful as ever by makin’ her feel bad about it.
My brain felt all confused because I didn’t want Mama to get it, I had asked Santa to, so I said, but it was here Mama! I already played with her and I laid her down right here!
Mama screamed at me sayin’, you got other toys you know! It’s not like you didn’t get anything! When I was a kid, I would’ve loved to get as much as you got and I wouldn’t have been complainin’ about wantin’ more either!
Shakin’ her head, she looked at Aint Lyn and said, I just can’t win for losin’. Not a D-thing I do around here is ever good enough!
Her voice was gettin’ louder and louder and there was that bright light shinin’ through her tears. I knew that was her angry light and it made me real scared so I hid my face in my knees when my eyes started cryin’.
That made Mama even madder because she yelled to everybody, there she goes again! Startin’ that D-cryin’! What’s the matter Wanda? Little miss high and mighty didn’t get what she wants so she just won’t be happy unless she ruins everybody’s Christmas!
My voice was shakin’ when I told her I just thought I had already played with her. I was tryin’ to make my stupid eyes stop cryin’.
How could you have played with something that’s not here? No! I know what you wanted to do! You just wanted to make me feel like crap since it’s Christmas! Well you can just stop that cryin’ right now because there ain’t nobody here that feels sorry for you!
Aint Lyn laid her hand on Mama’s arm, sayin’ to her, that’s enough Fay, but Mama jerked her arm away, sayin’, it ain’t near enough for the crap she puts me through! She just wants somebody to feel sorry for her, right Wanda! You just wanna pity party, don’t you!
Come on everybody! Mama said, walkin’ over to stand in front of me where I sat on the floor. Let’s throw Wanda a pity party, she screamed. Boo hoo hoo! She yelled down at me, pretendin’ to wipe her eyes. Poor Wanda! Boo hoo hoo! Poor little baby didn’t get a Baby Alive! Come on baby, cry Mama a river of tears, she screamed, pushin’ her opened up hand hard up against my face.
Just then my Aint Lyn called for Mama to come talk to Aint Ruby on the telephone so she could tell her Merry Christmas. While Mama talked to Aint Ruby, Aint Lyn came over and hugged me, Jason and Phil, and then she started talkin’ real loud about how it was Christmas and we should all be happy and singin’ Christmas songs.
I got to talk to Aint Ruby after Mama did and she told me that sometimes Santa ran outta money to pay the elves to make all the toys. She promised me that I would get a Baby Alive next year because she was gonna go ahead and call Santa as soon as we hung up.
Jason and Phil talked to her and then my Uncle Ben came by our house to see what all Santa had brought for us. I didn’t dare tell him that Santa had played a trick on me. Uncle Ben is my most favorite man in the whole world next to God and Santa Claus, so I just didn’t want him to know.
I still don’t know what happened. I could’ve sworn I had woke up and played with that baby, else I wouldn’t have said nothing to Mama. I didn’t wanna ruin Christmas. I love it when everybody’s happy. I don’t know, maybe Santa figured out I ain’t really no good and he came back and got it. Or maybe my stupid brain just dreamed the whole thing up.
Anyways, Mama didn’t scream at me anymore that day. She wouldn’t talk to me at all, not even when I said something to her first. Sometimes, her quiet hurts my heart way more than her noise.
